


For the kids

by Caliras



Series: Dyslexic Stan [2]
Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Angst, Dyslexia, Dyslexic Stan, Gen, Guilt, Sad Grunkle Stan, Self-Hatred, Stan is dyslexic, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-01
Updated: 2018-03-01
Packaged: 2019-03-25 10:47:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13832559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caliras/pseuds/Caliras
Summary: Ford has returned from the portal, angst ensues.





	For the kids

In the forty years since Stan had been kicked out, he felt as if his heart was being scraped away. Many things felt like a scoop, his heart growing more and more hollow. This time though, this time some of it had come back. A huge portion had come back when Ford walked through the portal, he felt it welling inside of him. More than he’d had in a long, long time. He’d- he’d done it! He’d finally done it! He’d got his brother back! His newfound confidence and pride had been mostly chopped off almost immediately with a punch.

His brother had- his brother had hit him! Of course. Of course he had. Stan had messed up. He still messed up. He couldn’t atone for mistakes. Not back then, not now, maybe even never. Why. Why did he think it’d go differently? Why did he get his hopes up? He should know better by now. Everything he touches is eventually tainted. Broken, even. He loved to interact with the kids, but he also hated it. He hated the thought of tainting them, ruining them. Like. Like now. Oh no. Another sliver of his heart cruelly taken away.

He’d- he’d betrayed them, hurt them! He knew he should’ve stayed away, tried harder not to hurt them. But he did. He fell into the illusion that they were safe. He tried so, so hard, but once again, he could never match up with his brother. Not back then. Not now. Not ever. He wanted to scream. He held his tongue though, this was his punishment. He should never have come here. Ford would never have had thirty years taken away from his idiot brother. His twin. Maybe Ford would've been better off without a twin. No. Not “maybe”. He would’ve. Perhaps if he’d been a little braver that time on the ledge, when he was still on the streets.

Stan wished he was smarter, maybe he could’ve brought Ford back sooner. He could’ve read the books faster. If only he was a bit smarter, smart enough to make the words out on the pages. Like everyone else. Why, why couldn’t he make the words sit still long enough to make sense. He could’ve brought his twin back sooner. He’d still be a disappointment, no surprise there, but at least his brother wouldn’t have suffered for it. He felt his mouth moving, but felt nothing behind the words. Just another act. Another scam. His twin wrote down incessantly in his journal, each flick of the pen mocking him.

He told his story as if it wasn’t just static flowing from his mouth. Could his brother finally be at peace if he just… disappeared? Left, went far, far away like he first had requested. He was a coward on the ledge the last time, but maybe- maybe he could build up the strength. He had finished his performance, everyone was fooled by it. Again. Good. He was always good at acting. He had to speak to his brother again. Meeting up with him, his words rolled off his tongue freely until he was brought back.

“-here’s the deal, you can stay here for the summer to watch the kids. I’ll stay down in the basement and try to contain any remaining damage. But when the summer’s over, you give me my house back, you give me my name back, and this Mystery Shack junk is over forever! You got it!?” Ford demanded, never once thinking about how it was Stan’s house for far, far longer.

His only home. Another chunk. Another failure.

“You really aren’t gonna thank me, are you?” He replied, this time though, he wasn’t acting.

He loved this place. The memories it held for him. Well, recent memories at least. Before the twins, he would've dropped this place immediately. It had been filled with regret and inadequacy for years. Rotting the place, dragging him down. Guilt shrank the house, tightening around him until he could only focus on the ever-shifting words. But. The twins gave the place light, expanding the walls with love and joy. They had even returned some of his heart. He wanted a place for them to come to. To visit him, selfish as it may be. Seeing his brothers glare, he knew he was serious.

“Fine. On one condition, you stay away from the kids. I don’t want them in danger. Cause as far as I’m concerned, they’re the only family I have left.”

He didn’t mean to say that. Then again, almost every word was true. The difference was, he didn’t want either of them near the children. He didn’t want them hurt. His treacherous, hollow heart reminded him that he still thought of Ford as his twin, but he pushed that aside. The only thing that mattered now was the kids, they had to be safe. They were the only people who had bothered to put some of his heart back. Mabel, Dipper, Soos, and Wendy, each one a large sliver inside his heart, holding it together. Keeping it from collapsing. Even if it wasn’t worth saving.


End file.
